Some separations are planned and accepted, perhaps inevitable, some catch you by surprise rushing up on you before you are ready. In the last few days I have been experiencing the drama of both styles of parting leaving me drained and empty of the words needed to convey my feelings.
The anticipated posting of To and From God, my spiritual memoir, as an Ebook on multiple outlets including Amazon/Kindle and Kobo should have brought joy at the achievement, yet there is a certain disappointment there – knowing it is now an entity locked-in, unchangeable, lost to my creative muse. The energy that went into the creation has been expelled and lost and like an exhausted lover, I am left to slowly compose myself as I rest from the euphoria of being published.
The second separation, the need for my wife’s move into a nursing home has more than just winded me. She has dementia and though I had become a full time carer, with the assistance of aged care help services, I expected to have her home for at least three more years. Unfortunately the progression of the disease and its symptoms is somewhat unpredictable and it could be said I have been romantically naïve in my positive outlook.
We have not yet been five months into living in a retirement village when her condition suddenly took a turn for the worst and hence the separation forced upon us. The house without her presence is not a home, it is now the shell, the cavern where I shelter. A place to hibernate. To think what might have been. To swallow regrets.
I should not complain, many people face far worst shocks in their lives and live on in misery and poverty. No organism, our human species included, despite all the manipulations and medical interventions we try is guaranteed a full and contented life. That is the nature of things. We may appeal to the Gods but the God force of evolution will simply go its own way, some individuals being lucky, many not.
Words are often inadequate.